I am 38 years old and I have been on my mental health journey for a decade. I started this site to help others who are on their mental health journey as well. I am in the drivers seat so to speak so its up to me to design what my mental health should look like. That includes my friends, places I go, people I see, things I eat, what I watch, and read. All those things I have learned play a part in my mental health. Over time I have learned how family and friends have played a part in my mental health. Hanging around toxic people on a daily basis is like eating poison. I had to learn on several occasions that some of the people I was hanging around including family, friends and co workers were not good for me. I have had the honor of hanging around a lot of jealous people. I have decided to allow the jealous people I have been around be my motivator as the barometer to how I would treat myself. I had to learn the hard way that anyone who shares their hate and not happiness for you can be jealous. I’ve heard the term jealousy is admiration turned inside out. I have experienced it from all of my family members. I had to sit myself down and have a long meditation session with myself so I could see the hate was not good for me. Being around it for the duration of time I allowed myself to be around it caused me my current mental health issues. As time has gone on I have learned I can make changes to my life as needed. If that means sitting in silence for a small part of the day then I do that. It has also meant distancing myself from the toxic and negative emotions of family, so called friends, and co workers. The things I love now are dark chocolate, chamomile, lavender, and cranberry juice. That is what I have for the ladder part of the say so that I can make it through the day. I love when it comes to the end of the day so I can sleep peacefully. I have religiously incorporated these things into my routine as well as giving up smoking. I had to let somethings go so I could bring forth the things in my life that were more beneficial. I felt like those things were assisting me in some tough times in my life and I had to give them up so I could learn to fly in a sense. Those were holding me back. I decided in January of 2021 that I would give up coffee for one month and cigarettes forever. That was such a nasty habit now that I look back on those times of buying cigarettes daily. I’m glad I did because it allowed me to stop using vices as a crutch so my true personality could shine through.

What I really love to do is express myself with the written word. I have always taken steps to do so. I invested in myself by purchasing a computer. I wanted to start working on my first book. I began to write and write. I came home one day to find that the passwords had been changed on my computer and there was high speed internet installed on my computer. Being frugal I had a friend put some dial up on there. My first thought was to remove it because I did not put it on there. It was put there by my sister who was allowed to do anything she wanted with little to no consequences. I was essentially bulled by my aunt to allow my sister to leave it on my computer and I had to ask my sister for the password for my computer. This incident alone reminded me of how I felt unaknowledged as a child and young adult and made to feel as if I were in-signifigant as a person and a human being. I had t no where to turn to but my writing to get the feelings off of my chest by how my toxic family was making me feel. I felt like they were trying to hold me back at every turn. I had to get permisson from my family so to speak, in order to be myself. I had to decide over time that I did not need permission or a reason to do so.

My sister showed her jealousy toward me by not inviting me to her events, out, or to parties until the last minute. My feeling is that she wanted me to hear about it or throw me off in some kind of way by telling me at the last minute. What made it so bad to me is we are twins. In my opinion we were never treated the same. Let my mother tell it and she treated us the same way. I’ve always felt like my mother has compared us to make my sister who is two minutes older than me feel superior to me. It was like I was non-exsistant. I almost died at birth weighing less than two pounds. I feel like my mother prepared for my death in her mind and expected me not to make it. But God said different. He exceeded her expectations of what would happen to me. I know now I have to do right by my father, my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. He is the one who supplies me with the fuel I need to carry on in the midst of the storm. Although I have faced a lot of challenges that no one ever expected me to make it through, I am here to say I made it through the fire my enemy took me through. For that, I am super thankful. Had it not been for the set backs from family mistreating me I would not even be in a place in my life to want better. It is as if people can smell you changing and have a vision to want better for yourself. I have been on a purge to get all of the negative spirit that tried to have a place in y life or even take me down. Those have been blessings to make it to a better place and space.

The last straw for me with my family is when I had an anxiety attack shortly after my 38th birthday. I decided I could not put myself in a position for my mental health to bring me to a state of an anxiety attack. This was no way to live my life. I strongly felt it was brought on from being around my mother and sister. They have been jealous of me since birth I felt. I knew I was a little bit different but not to sure of how. As time went on I could see my whole entire family was against me. The way my family was never in sync with their actions toward me. Allowing myself to believe my family had unconditional love for me was delusional as me believing they somehow loved me. I had to take a major step and step away from my entire toxic family.