I seem to meet people who are habitual line steppers as Dave Chapelle would say. I think this is totally disrespectful to the person and their boundaries a person overlooks or just chooses not to respect them. I for one, am happy the habitual line steppers chose to over step my boundaries because it means they do not need to be in my circle. I don’t have any friends or family members I am close to at this point in my life. I think this is a lesson for myself to become closer to my true self. There is no way a person will respect who I am as a person if they do not listen to a boundary I have set for myself. I like to be a lone a lot. I am totally happy in my own company.

In high school I was by myself a lot. I did not really care or focus on having friends. Anytime I would open myself up to having friends it felt as though they felt they had to be in competition with me or I was trying to be better than them. I was only being myself. I can say being around others they totally did not understand my personality. I do not think this was on accident or anything for them to understand. It has been totally up to me to go into the corners of my mind to extract who I am with no apologies to anyone. Even my own Doctor said I was an enigma. I started to think I had barely scratched the surface of learning who I am if he actually told me that. I think from encountering people who do not respect my boundaries has been a lesson to fall in love with myself first before I try and involve myself in a friendship. As I mentioned earlier in a blog, I have encountered people who notice all sorts of things about me but I have never picked up on this about to myself. I think this is due to having a parent who totally did not accept me as a child or anything about me. I feel now it is up to me to get to know who I am as a person and fall in love with the person who I have been deprived of all these years. I think I am not at a place to have friends. Its okay with me. I need to be a friend to myself and respect my own property line. To me, it means to learn who I am as a person, develop my gifts, talents, and abilities. On my journey during the pandemic, I am willing to take the journey and see where I end up when I reach my destination. I may need to take several routes but there is no one way to get there. What I am not going to do is step on my own property line and disrespect my own growth and discourage myself from doing anything. What I do intend to do is be there for myself and be my own best friend as said by Beyonce.

I decided to use my muscle power for good on people who are depositing good things into my bank account. When I say bank account I mean saying positive affirmations or simply just treating me right. I have been told I have the gift of being a goof proof gift giver and a diffuser. I have learned these things from people who I have felt don’t like me. It was a surprise to me because in that moment I could feel when those two things were said about from the people who said it they were true as the hater could get. I thought those things about my s myself at some point but I never really put any serious thought into thinking that deeply about it because it came so naturally to me. I have now come to the realization I need to believe in myself in order for my muscles to grow. This is where my power lies. There have been so many people who have tried to snatch my power away. To no avail they were unsuccessful. I come across haters quite a bit, just about everyone in my family is a hater. I have had to deal with it since birth pretty much, so it was something I was born into. I have had to deal with so called friends trying to hold me back from the potential they saw in me because they were scared of me. I have to admit I get scared of myself at times because of all the knowledge I possess. I feel like my potential scares some people or my light disturbs some peoples demons. Knowing this, I can immediately see when a person does not like me, is jealous, or envious of me as a person. At this point, I let their hate be my motivation because it has been the fuel that has gotten me to where I am thus far. It soothes my soul when I focus on myself. I have been doing just that since the pandemic began. I think the pandemic was a blessing from God to get in touch with ourselves and to be a better person.

In my opinion and my personal experience I do better working by myself. I have been thrust to work and be by myself because I do better when I am on my own. I have been in situations where friends, family and my job has taken my focus away. I know now that when I place my focus on the right things it only benefits me. I feel happier and I know I am doing something right. I also find when I am placing my focus on myself people can somehow sense it. They can sometimes smell that my focus is on myself and they try to steal it away. Now that I am more knowledgeable about peoples intentions I don’t let it get to me. My focus is for me to shine on myself and allow it to beam on others who are in the vicinity of me. I have no choice to not care about the friends I do not have because they have often times not been around me for good.

My power lies in who I am and I have decided to let my muscles get stronger over time from me not being so dependent on being friends with people who don’t bring anything to the table. I have grown to be happy with myself and not care where I am because I am where I am supposed to be

I have personally been through so many things with different people. From when I could start remembering things my twin sister cut me with a razor blade. I have no idea where she got it from. I believe I had to be around two years old. My dad put a band aid on me and sent me on my way. That was the first negative memory I had of my sister with many more negative ones to follow. Not to mention with, my mother, aunt, uncle, and cousin. I have had to learn through every negative interaction I was not meant to be around a lot of the members of my family. They were killing me slowly. I felt like they were treating me different from my sister. From starting this blog I have decided to stay away from her. From what I have experienced of her she likes to have all of the attention placed on her and gets very upset if a little bit of it goes to me. I had to make my mother tell her to get out of the bathroom because she wanted to curl her hair while I was taking a bath. At that very moment, I felt like she would not care if I died or was electracuted. This was one of the many signs I received from God that I need to distance myself from her. It took me a really long time to see the light because my heart is not exactly set up like hers. She has been way more sisterly to people who are not related to her and has treated me like trash. She calls to see how the trash so to speak is doing and some strange reason she expects me not to thrive from all of the crazy things she has done to me over the years. I want her to read this post and speculate if this is about her and see I am doing well and thriving without her. Thank you Lord for showing me the way.

I have used the chaos to show me how to be a better person towards people. I have always known deep down that showing anger or hate to a person was never a way to treat them. I have done my best to learn how to reset my mind to always focus on the positive. I know now my brain is very powerful and where my attention goes is where my focus flows. I can be super focused on things. I have learned to train my attention to focus on positive things. I have to be by myself a lot because this is how I am set up. Many people may not understand this but it does me a great deal to let my body recharge and heal by being alone. I have been around people who did not mean me well. I think the lesson in all of the chaos was to be by myself and not focus on being around other people who did not mean me well off the bat.

I have taken time to fall in love with myself and only work on the things that bring me peace and solitude. I make sure to read, write, drink tea, eat dark chocolate, or meditate. The negative things I have been through have definitly been a blessing and lesson in my life. I am truly grateful to have gone through the experiences I have encountered with people to get me to a totally new head space. I thank all of my haters for showing me how to get to this place in my life. I have no cares for any one but myself. Thank you for the chaos.

I am 38 years old and I have no children. I officially started my mental health journey in 2011. That was the kick off to how I had to start treating myself in order to have a healthy mind. I was hospitalized for a week in the mental health ward. I was thriving and working three jobs before I went into the mental health institution and was diagnosed with acute stress to start. Later I found out I had schizoaffective disorder, anxiety and depression. I was put on medication to deal with the stress of it all. This was a major signal to me I needed to take way better care of myself despite how I may have felt I was. My boss was majorly stressing me telling her boss I was losing children when she actually lost them. My boss was secretly documenting her mishaps while she asked my boss for everyone’s schedule to know who actually lost the children. I later found out years later my boss was hot lined and demoted. I was not surprised but relieved to know she was not getting away with her lies and deceit.

I had been supressing a lot of the trauma, drama, and stress placed on me by nearly everyone in my family as well as my job. My mother had been lying to me ever since I could remember. I asked her some questions about the man whom she had led me to believe was my father. I asked her if he was my biological father at the age of six. She then told me to shut up. I knew deep down in my six year old soul that something was a miss. From there, I began to notice I did not spend a lot of bonding time with my mother. She dropped me and my siblings off and my grandmothers house at 4 o’clock in the morning on school days. She was not to be seen again until it was dark outside. While she was absent for most of the day and the evening my twin sister and I were left to care for my 3 younger siblings. By the time my mother arrived to come and get us from my grandmothers house I was more than tired and ready to go to sleep. There was no way I could remember to address a fight my sister and I had earlier that morning or have the energy to formulate a feeling about the unknown stress I was under from raising a family at the age of 11. As time went on I began to see that my mother always wanted things to go her way regardless of the outcome or how others felt. I think with my mother being the baby of the her family, she had unrealistic expectations of people despite the stress level she placed me under.

As time went on, I began to see how the relationship I had with my mother affected me. I had to see that the way she was treating me was unacceptable and I had to slowly distance myself over a period of time. Over a span of a decade I have been told I am very guarded when it comes to people as I should be, with good reason. I do not trust my mother because she has told my secrets, as well as spent money I have saved not to mention, treated me like the outcast of the family. It is totally okay with me because at the end of the day it has taught me to be a better person. I have also learned what not to accept from people who claim they love me. I can instantly calculate how a person wants to feel and treat them accordingly if they are truly deserving of the feeling. Love is an action and also feeling I have come to find. I have never felt any of those things from the people in my family. I owe it to myself to love me unconditionally before I begin to be in a relationship with someone who knows me way better than I know myself and uses it to their advantage. Love thyself first.

I woke up this morning with a feeling on my spirit to write my heart out. I don’t really care about what anyone has to say about my personal feelings. They are mine and I am the only one who has to walk around with feelings of not being wanted, taken advantage of, and not being aknowledged to name a few of them. I decided on the new day I was granted and write down my feelings. I said I will aknowledge my own feelings and write them down daily so I can address them on my own. I decided to take initiative in my own life to be in the driver seat. There has been times where my intuition was telling me a person was not being honest or I needed to end the friendship, I ended up worse off not listening to my intuition at that very moment. With everyday that has led me to this day I have learned to listen to my gut or intuition to guide me instead of what a person is trying to convince me of. By feeling and being logical about a situation I am able to wise up. By wise up I mean listen to my higher self instead of what a person is trying to convince me of. For years I have allowed myself to believe my mother and sister really had the best of intentions for me. I had to be showed on numerous occasions. One incident that stands out is when I turned 16 I got a job and started to save money for my senior year of high school. When I went to ask my mother if I could have some of my money she told me there was nothing there. That experience was a wake up call on my life to never trust my mother with any money. I was devistated and hurt. Especially since my mother had me giving money to my sister while I worked during the summer and my sister stayed home to watch my younger siblings while my mother worked. I also felt blindsided by my mother not even mentioning her actions to me until I asked for my money. I never really understood why my mother treated my sister and I differently. Despite her actions I decided to attend college in state nearby to help my mother with my brothers. After my whereabouts being controlled and my mother not giving me my child support during my freshman year of college, I decided to move out and demand my child support. She was upset that I decided tp stand up for myself. It felt good but displeased my mother. I moved from there with a friend then to m grandmothers home. From there the resentment got stronger and stronger from my mother. Apparently I was not supposed to make my own decisions unless my mother approved. I had to come to a point where her feelings about my life did not matter because it was my life not hers. Slowly, I began to take my power back. If it upset my mother, then so be it.